Respawn
by ForbiddenKHfan216
Summary: A series of short stories about a Sora who has to relive his life over and over again. Rated M for some passing comments that could offend readers.
1. Real or Not?

**Kingdom Hearts does not belong to me; just this messed up dream trying to tell me how sad it all is... **

**Please read and review.**

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**Real or Not?**

I've spent the last fifteen of my lifetimes trying to save Kairi.

In the first one, she died from appendicitis; I didn't make it to the hospital in time. The second, she was swimming and got hit by a boat and dragged under; I jumped in but couldn't pull her out before her hair got tangled in the propeller and she drowned. In the third, she died in childbirth and the last thing she saw was our newborn looking back at her with equally as dying blue eyes; I honestly couldn't do anything in that one but help stop the bleeding. It didn't work. In the fourth, well, she lived to see both of our children grow up to being teenagers and then she decided it was okay to die. Kairi shot herself in the head with a hunting rifle that belonged to you, Riku, and I was unable to convince her that she had a reason to live. The last lifetime, she simply stopped breathing and died peacefully in my arms in her sleep. I tried to wake her up then… but… she never woke up…

In each lifetime, after Kairi's died, I walk with you to the bar, or sometimes I end up walking you and the kids to the beach. Somehow we always find some barstools and sit down on them and then you always start asking me questions. They're always the same: did you love her, what's going to happen now, are you okay. But you always end with the exact same question though, like in each lifetime you have to ask it. Each time, you ask me if I'd start over. I always know what your warning will be.

"Even if you're in a tremendous amount of pain, Sora, even if it kills you inside or you want to die because of what happens, would you still start over? Even if she doesn't love you back or if she dies again, would you still love her?"

I've said yes every time.

Each time I get to watch her die.

Every single time, I still love her. Even when she gives up, I still love her.

What's love anyway? A feeling in the heart when the body decides, "Oh, hey, that person's hot, let's go make babies?" or something? I personally believe it's something deeper, something a little more precious. People run around saying that they're in love when all they want to do is have sex and kiss and then suddenly, they decide they're not in love anymore. Other people just watch from the background and love that person from afar, knowing that they can never have them.

I'm not either of those people, Riku. I'm someone who loves once and loves deep, even when the person I love doesn't love me back. I'm guess I'm a kind of a fool that way, to be honest. I still love Kairi even after she's died so many times.

Hmm? I only said five lifetimes? Ha, so you _were_ listening. To be honest, I thought you were just nodding your head and drinking, Riku. So you want to know what happened in some of the other ones? Well, some of those lifetimes aren't all that interesting or she died in a really tragic way. … Yeah, even worse than being pulled down by a boat propeller. I don't like talking about it.

No, I'm not quite drunk yet. Hmph, so you don't believe me? Alright, lemme polish this one off and I'll tell you what happened in one of them. Ah, man, no matter how many times I end up here, the paopu cordial always tastes the same. Sweet and rich and just right for an aching heart… Where was I? Oh yeah. In more than one of the lifetimes, you ended up with her, Riku.

What's with that look on your face? You think I didn't know you loved her? Well, yes I did, mister; you're not very good at hiding it. Anyway, in that particular lifetime I decided to step back and see that she got her happy ending from someone else. It ended up being you, Riku, and you tried your best to make her happy. But you guys didn't have kids, which was pretty sad since you wanted them so badly.

But something happened to her anyway. Yeah, she did die in this lifetime, Riku, I'm sorry. I held your hand throughout the entire funeral and I helped you put the wreath of paopu blossoms inside of the grave. … How she died? She jumped off of a bridge and drowned when she was very old. Her head smacked against one of the boards and well... she never made it back up.

I told you, that was another lifetime. It didn't happen in this one. What happens in this lifetime doesn't affect the other ones at all. I get a fresh start in each one, and technically so do you, I guess. … Wait, you want to know what happened in that one? The one I was just talking about?

… Hm… why she died… Well… I didn't tell you in that lifetime but since we're in a new one, I guess I can tell you now. You won't remember it anyway, it'll be nothing but the faintest memory for you when we start over again. Alright, drink up and I'll start the story.

You see, Kairi was very sad that you guys couldn't have kids. She blamed herself. She said she was the problem. And well, by the time she said she figured it out, it was too late. She was too old to have children anymore. In fact... she told me that the day she died: I was with her the day that she drowned. Hey, Riku, knock it off, there wasn't anything I could do, let go! Geez! I told you, no matter how much I try, I can never save Kairi, didn't I? No need to get grabby.

… This is upsetting you, I should stop. Go on? You're sure? Alright, if you say so… anyway. We were walking on the little play island and she kept looking up at some kids that were making a sandcastle on the second island, you know the one that has the paopu tree on it? They were making their castle there. She kept looking at them and she kept rubbing her eyes.

She couldn't stop crying.

So all of a sudden, Kairi turned to me and hugged me close. I was really startled by it, since I stepped back in this lifetime. In fact, it was one of the few lifetimes that Kairi, you, and I lived to old age... But anyway, I digress. So I hugged her back and I told her it was okay and it was no one's fault that you guys didn't have kids. … She told me that that wasn't why she hugged me. Being your best friend, I immediately let go of her.

Kairi said… something that would have broken your heart in that lifetime, so I never said anything. Do… do you still want to hear it? Yeah, I figured you would. She said: "Sora, if I had married you, I think I would have been happier." … I told her about the lifetimes then. I told her about all the times she had died and how this was just one of the newest ones. She didn't believe me at first… I'm not sure what made her believe me. Maybe it was because... well... I described them so well. I told her everything that had ever happened to her and for every single one where she ended up dying because of an injury, Kairi would look down at a different part of herself and find a tiny mark.

You see, scars carry over. I have plenty of scars myself. Maybe that's why she believed me.

Kairi asked me one last question before she jumped off the bridge. "Sora, was I happy in those lifetimes?" I had to tell her that she was, right up to the point she died. Even in the one that she committed suicide, she only died because she thought she was done and wanted to die peacefully as my wife. I don't know why Kairi thought I was going to leave her in that lifetime. She was never depressed, but she wasn't all that there in that lifetime... Maybe she could remember the lifetimes where I left her behind... so that she could be happy without me... Her smile was always the most beautiful when she was at my side... but I've left her behind so many times... There are so many lifetimes where I stepped back and tried to give her a happy ending, that one included.

But in the one she was your wife, anyway, Kairi smiled at me and took my hand.

"I'm jealous," she said. She sounded a little sad then… "I'm jealous of those Kairi's, because they got something I didn't. I'm glad… that they were happy." And then she let go of my hand. I told her that she wasn't my wife in this lifetime and that she couldn't do that. Kairi laughed at me and said that it was just holding my hand. To stop... being such a baby...

I should stop, Riku. … Please don't cry anymore. This never happened technically. Hey, barkeep, can I get one of those dishtowels? Alright, thanks. Here, Riku, wipe your eyes. You're welcome. … Riku… you… still want to hear this? It only gets worse from here. You look scared. … Alright, I'll tell you.

Kairi started walking on the bridge to the paopu tree, she said that she wanted to share one with me. I grabbed her hand and turned her around. I… I told her that I love her and that I've always loved her but that in this lifetime, she belonged to you. Kairi… started to cry. She said that she had been waiting this whole time to hear that and asked me why I had said it when she was married to you and in love with you and it wasn't fair that I got to live all these different lifetimes when she would only ever have the one.

She asked me if I had ever had children with her in those lifetimes; I didn't lie to her. I said yes.

I asked her why she was so unhappy with you. I figured… it wasn't just the kids. I mean, in some of our lifetimes together, we didn't have children even though we wanted to. Kairi had just been happy to have us two, Riku, she had been totally fine with just running around with us and after us. It had bothered her a little but not enough to cry like she was doing in that lifetime. But in that one… she said that even though she loved you, you weren't… me. I told her to be happy, that I had made my choices in this lifetime for her to be happy. … She said she would have been happier with me even if she died.

That was the last thing Kairi said before she jumped off of the bridge.

… So I want to ask you again, Riku. What's love? Why do people die for the ones they love? … She died so many times for love. It hurts going on, because I know that no matter what I do in those lifetimes, she'll always die. … Fuck, why am I telling you this one? Why... I've tried to stop the cycle. I've tried a thousand different ways to change it. I even committed suicide in one of my lifetimes. Right before she ever had the chance to die. … I was fourteen. For some reason, I didn't fade away in that lifetime. I had to watch all the way til Kairi died.

I watched you guys at my funeral. Kairi cried the hardest and you fought to get me out of the coffin. Both of you said that I wasn't dead and to get me out of there before they buried me alive. … My dad grabbed your hand, Riku, and put it on my neck and forced you to feel that I didn't have a pulse. Kairi put her hand on my mouth and felt that I didn't have a breath. … You guys let them bury me then and then everyone asked you why I had died. That if we were such good friends, why had I died and why you guys didn't tell anyone I was depressed.

They didn't believe you guys when you said I wasn't depressed. That I had been smiling when I died. You two committed suicide right after my funeral; you just couldn't take the insinuations that you guys failed to keep me alive. … Heh… "I don't know what's worse, having Kairi die or you die?" Thanks, Riku, I knew we were friends for some reason. Listen, you have to know something before I leave tonight.

You remember how today was Kairi's funeral? How peaceful it was and how we both said that we'd never forget her? ... I know she was your girlfriend this time around, Riku, and it hurt you the most. But you have to listen. Even if the baby died and Kairi died with it, you have to listen to me. Just one last drink and then I have to go to bed. Midnight's coming, you see. ... What's so important about midnight, you said?

… When I wake up tomorrow morning, I'm going to be fourteen again. You'll be fifteen and Kairi'll still be thirteen. It'll be a few weeks before her fourteenth birthday. It happens every single time after Kairi's funeral. One day after her funeral is all I get before this lifetime ends and the next starts up. It always starts at the exact point: a few weeks before her fourteenth birthday. Before everything started between us. So I'll ask one more time, Riku, while you're still thinking about it. What's love? Why does it hurt so much? Why do people leave the ones they love when they should know that the only reason that person is happy is because of them? I love Kairi. I've had a lot of time to think about these questions.

In the end, I still love her. That's all I really know and why I've tried over so many lifetimes to give her the happiness she once gave me. It wasn't even that long that she gave me that happiness. Maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know if this is real or not. I don't think I want to know. ... You want to know something funny? I've thought about killing myself on the day after the funeral. I have, actually, to try to stop the cycle. I woke up the next morning with a bleeding temple but I was fourteen.

... I thought I told you that scars carry over. The blood was from me shooting myself in the head, Riku. But somehow the blood from that lifetime carried over to the next one. ... Why did I do it? Because I love her. Because I wanted her suffering to end. In each lifetime, Kairi suffers somehow. Sometimes it's from not being able to have a baby, sometimes she gets cancer and dies in the hospital begging for enough medicine to dull the pain so she can sleep, and sometimes it's because she... got... raped... I killed the son of a bitch who did it and even though it didn't happen this time, it still pisses me off... I wish I had given him a _worse death than he actually got...!_

Yeah, alright, I'm fine.

I'm calming down now.

Like I was... saying Kairi suffers in each lifetime. No matter what happens, the details never change. The _big_ stuff changes. The way she actually _dies_ changes. The _events_ in our lives change. But the details _**don't**_. ... I can recite today's winning lottery ticket perfectly. I've lived past this day plenty of times to memorize every single number up to sixty years from now. Today's is 64-789-4042. Yup, Destiny Lotto, that's the one. Oh, look, they're playing it right now on the TV behind the barkeep. Hey, can you move a bit? I want to see the numbers.

... You look really shocked, Riku. Scared even. Did you think I was joking this whole time? Mm, that'd be a really messed up joke. So... you want me to keep going? Alright, I'll prove it to you. On your left wrist there's a long white scar from the lifetime where you jumped off of a boat to save Kairi from drowning and you scraped your arm against the bottom. You got tetanus from the nail that gave you that scar and we saved her, by the way. She didn't die that time from drowning. ... You don't believe me? Look under your watch. Ahh... _now_ he sees it! You've never noticed it before? Well, scars carry over. I've told you that like three times this time around.

Hmm? How many times have I told you this story? I've lost count to be honest. We've even bet on it and the bet carried over. You see, once you told me that I was a liar and fucked up for making up such a crazy story when our best friend had just died and stuff like that. I got mad at you and bet you a beer that I was right. If I was wrong, you'd get a beer the next day. If I was right, I would be getting a soda from you when the new lifetime started. I was right and that new lifetime started with you taking Kairi and I to the cafe on Main Street and buying us both sodas.

You remembered, Riku. That's the scary part; you actually remembered the bet even though it was from the previous lifetime. I sometimes end up asking Kairi what she remembers from the other lifetimes. Secretly, you know, disguising it as what she remembers from when she was little. ... She remembers, Riku. Remember that I said she suffers in each of the new lifetimes. She remembers the events as dreams... or nightmares. Why do you think I try to change it every single time? Why do you think I try to make her happy each time?

Man, I'm drunk. It's nice being drunk, cause I can babble on and on and everyone just thinks I'm joking. I'm not. That's the part no one understands. To be honest, I hate the lifetimes where Kairi doesn't live to twenty one, because I can't drink to forget it... I can't forget that she's suffering...

... Will I try again in the next lifetime? What, with Kairi? ... Oh, Riku... you know I can't do that. I wish I could. But how could I take what little happiness that she actually gets? I'll explain it to you: if you get a certain amount of happiness in your life but if it's at the cost of someone you love with all of your heart and soul, could you still find it within you to take their happiness? I can't. I've never had the heart to do that to her because I'd rather her be happy than me. You see, her happiness... that's what's important to me. I'd rather have her smile than be miserable at my side. Maybe I'm just a fool...

Oh, it's almost midnight. Alright, time for me to go to bed and get ready. Goodnight, Riku. I'll see you tomorrow... or not. Whatever happens in the next lifetime.


	2. Beneath the Waves

**Ah... this originally was going to be a one shot. But after getting a review, thank you Trick36, I went to bed and well... I dreamed. So Kairi ended up being able to have her own say in this story. I'm not sure if Riku'll have a chapter, but this is probably where this idea tangent is going to end. Sorry, Riku and all Riku fans, but I'm content to let this be.  
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**As always, none of this is mine and only the idea was. Please read and review.**

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**Beneath the Waves**

I don't remember dying.

But somehow, as I lie here in the surf with the water spraying over my body, I know I'm dead. I can't feel it. My body, the limbs that have served me so well in life, won't move. The wind blows over my cold skin but I can't feel it beyond knowing that it's there.

I think the only reason why I can tell the wind is blowing is because my eyes are locked on the paopu tree and I can see that its leaves are moving.

It hurts. It hurts and I don't know why. But I can't move my head and I can't see anything beyond the paopu tree's leaves swaying in the wind. If I was alive, I think I would have cried. No, bawled like a baby because I'm so scared.

How'd I get here? How did I die? How did I even… think, Kairi, you have to think. What do you remember?

I remember… I remember being with my friends. No, not friends, not this time around. Sora and Riku… Riku was my… no… he wasn't… Riku wasn't my boyfriend, was he? It was Sora, he'd asked me out when I turned fourteen because he said he didn't want to wait any longer. We were going to get married when I turned twenty. That had been the plan… hadn't it?

No, I remember… I remember being asked to be _Riku's_ girlfriend when I was sixteen. He asked me to go to a dance and I started falling in love that night. This… this doesn't make any sense! Why am I remembering two different memories? Why do they _both_ seem real? Both the same, both like they did happen? Why do I remember a happy life with Riku, and why is there a second one where Sora had taken his place?

If I was alive, I would have screamed.

As I lie there in the surf, I don't see the person lean down beside me and lift my head. All I see is the blur of the paopu suddenly disappearing in a flash of yellow and green and the brownish-black of its bark. My eyes focus instead on the man cradling my body.

His lips part in a soft sigh and Sora presses his lips against my cold temple. He… kissed me. He's… never done that before. But it feels good, even if I can't truly pick it up. I can't feel it, silly, can't you tell? I'm dead. I won't be able to feel anything anymore. But he still kisses it, being gentle as if he thought that maybe I would be upset and punch him in the face. I'm not sure what I would have done if I was alive, but if I was alive and could feel the things I'm feeling now, I think I might have kissed him back.

"Kairi," My name drops from his lips, painful and full of tears as he slips his hands underneath me and pulls me into him. His hug is warm, safe, soothing… if I was alive, I would have cried. I would have hugged him back and sobbed into his chest out of relief of him being there. But I'm not alive, and all I can do is lie there in his lap like a broken doll. His hand reaches up and starts stroking my cheek, like he knew I could kind of feel it.

Oh, Sora, why did I pick Riku instead of you? Why are you doing this to me when there was nothing we could do about it?

"Oh, Kairi, I'm sorry," Sora whispers back, like he could hear my thoughts. Hope suddenly flares up in my chest, choking me and making me ready to cry. Maybe I'm still alive. Maybe he can tell and he's going to bring me back to life and we can talk about what I had been doing before I was in the water and Sora would make it alright again. Riku would find us and they would make it alright. They'd always done that, made sure everything was okay.

I try to make my arm move, to reach up and touch his cheek like he had touched mine, but it doesn't even budge.

Sora rocks me in his arms, leaning my head onto his shoulder and he sighs softly into my ear. "Oh, Kairi…" He says again and this time, I could feel tears, hot warm sickly sticky tears, trickling down his face. Don't cry, Sora, please… I'm here! Can't you feel it? Can't you feel me? "Kairi… I'm sorry… I should have… predicted this…" Sora says quietly, his voice filling with heartbreak.

This is no time to be slacking off! C'mon, you lazy bum, I'm here!

"Sora…! Kairi…!"

Riku? That was… Riku's voice… but it's different somehow. If I was alive, I think I might have gotten scared at how much his voice has changed. It's deeper, richer, even… _older_. But he's only sixteen isn't he? He's a teenager like me. But… somehow… this body… even if I can't feel it anymore, it doesn't feel like a kid's. My eyes are locked on the man holding onto me, on Sora's shoulder, and he doesn't look like a teenager either.

He looks like a grown man. That… that doesn't make sense! He's a kid, like me! He's only a year older than me, and not even a full year! We're kids, we're just kids, why are we in these grown-up bodies?

"Sora…! Kairi!"

Sora looks down at me with those sad eyes before reaching up and touching my chin. "You were in the water for so long… another drowning death…" He murmurs sorrowfully. Drowning death? I drowned? Sora, what do you mean I drowned? He doesn't answer, only picks me up again and lies my body down gently into the sand. My eyes focus on the heavens as he touches my cheek one last time.

Sora, what do you mean I drowned? What do you mean by another drowning death? Please! Answer me! I'm here… I'm right here… Can't you hear me? Can't you hear me talking to you? You lazy bum, come on, answer! Please… I'm begging you… answer…!

I hear the crunch of sand underneath someone's boots and then Sora draping his jacket over my face and chest. The blue sky suddenly turns dark and I hear him walking off to greet Riku. It isn't very long before I hear an anguish scream fill the air and a scuffle, like someone being thrown into the sand as hard as he possibly could.

"Riku, don't look!" Sora commands angrily, like yelling at him was the only way to get Riku to listen. To be honest, it really was. I don't know why, but I have the feeling that Riku was struggling with him, trying to get up and get to me. As Sora talks to him, I hear this hitching breath and a whimper before the screams start again.

I think it's at that moment I really figure out that I'm dead. If I wasn't, Riku wouldn't be crying.

"Kairi…! Kairi…!" I hear Riku yell before the scuffling sound of him moving on the sand happens again and then a loud thump. Someone getting thrown into the sand? "Riku, stop it! She's not there anymore!" Sora yells out but I feel someone rip the jacket off of my head and I see the blue sky again.

With my head at that broken angle, I could see Riku's face looming over mine. I watch the exact moment he looks into my dead eyes and starts to break, the exact moment where he realizes I was already gone. His body starts to tremble as he reaches toward my face, places his fingers on my cheek, and cradles it.

_"Kairi…?"_ He asks next, his voice weak and high-pitched from fear. Oh, Riku…

As his hands move over my face, gently touching every bit of it, I see his left hand pass over my eyes. A golden ring is placed firmly on his finger, the kind of ring only a wife can give to her husband. I can suddenly feel the matching one on my finger, the one piece of jewelry that hadn't been snatched away by the waves. I'm… I'm _married_? To _Riku_? I… I don't remember the wedding. I don't remember it. Shouldn't I remember that? It was my wedding day, but for some reason… it doesn't come to mind.

Is… is it because I'm dead? Do memories go away when you die?

His jaw trembles as Riku slips his hands underneath my body and he picks me up, pressing me hard against his body. His voice sounds completely broken, completely wrecked and destroyed, as he whispers my name into my ear and he buries his face into my hair. "Kairi!" He sobs as he squeezes me as hard as he possibly could.

If I was alive, I think that would have hurt. A lot. But I'm not, and all I feel is the pressure as he screams into my body. All I can feel is the pressure of where I would have started to cry with him.

My head flops over, moves down his arm, and starts to tumble back to the sand but he quickly grabs it, stopping gravity from claiming me like the ocean did. Riku… my… my _husband_… starts shaking even worse when my mouth opens by itself and water spews out. It doesn't feel like anything, but I know that it's cold. Corpses aren't warm, after all. I hear his breath suddenly die in his throat, his screams ebbing away inside of him as he begins to realize that I am truly dead.

But I'm not gone, Riku, I'm still here. Please… don't cry… the tears are cold against my skin as he begins to break down. Riku… _please_… don't cry!

He drops me back to the ground, being as gentle as Sora had been in lying me down and he covers me with the jacket again. Unlike Sora, he uses it to cover me like a blanket instead of a burial shroud. I watch him reach up and manually close my eyes for me.

No, please, now I can't see… please, Riku, open my eyes for me! Please! Please, I can't see! **_Please_**, Riku!

Sora's voice is loud, loud enough to come into my dead ears even though he was further away from me than my crying husband. "Riku… she… she didn't suffer," He says soothingly and I feel Riku's body suddenly move away from me, hear him standing up and the crunch of sand under his boots as he walks away.

"And how would _you_ know that?" He demands icily, anger growing in his voice. I hear the stomp of glass breaking under him as he walks toward Sora. Riku, no! Please! But he doesn't listen and I hear the slap of a hand striking against someone's cheek and the hard thump of Sora smacking into the ground. "You wouldn't know that! _You wouldn't know if she suffered or not_!" Riku screams and I hear him move towards Sora, who says nothing.

I hear a second slap and then a third, and then the hard, dull thud of a clenched fist smacking into something soft. Stop it! Stop it, Riku, please! But Sora says nothing and Riku just keeps pounding away at him, each thud getting harder and louder and then finally, wetter. He was drawing blood. Riku's drawing blood. Sora's bleeding.

If I was alive, I would have been screaming.

All of a sudden, the noises stop and I hear Riku crying again. "You… you wouldn't _know_…" He says again before one last hard smack reaches my ears. Oh, Riku…. _**Please**_…! There's a shuffling noise as one of them starts to move, his hands or maybe his feet scraping against the sand.

"It's okay, Riku," Sora says next, his voice slurred by what I think is the blood in his mouth. Riku punched him in the face. Even though he was hurt, even though he was in obvious pain, I hear him start to stand. Riku collapses to the ground, screaming and crying my name over and over. Somehow, I know Sora's holding him tight. I know that Riku's crying into his shoulder and Sora's comforting him. I want to cry. "It's okay, Riku, I know that you loved her…" I hear him tell him. Riku's breath stops and he screams again.

"Let it out," Sora says. "Let it all out."

Riku only waits a few seconds before screaming up to the sky. "Why?! Why did you take her from me?! Why did you take her from us?!"

He goes on for what feels like hours, demanding for me to come back, for God… or… whoever he thinks is listening… to bring me back and then all of a sudden the anger dissolves into despair. He begs with the heavens to give me back, that he would do anything as long as I got to come back, and then finally with me to give him one last sign, one last token of affection to prove that I wasn't in any pain anymore. His screams hurt, his pleads cuts me right to the heart, but Riku doesn't stop. As fast as he had started begging, he starts bargaining for my life. He offers anything and everything he owned in exchange, and even though Sora yells at him that it wasn't better off with him dead, he starts offering his own life for mine.

I want to cry. I want to cry, but my eyes can't have tears anymore.

Eventually, Riku stops talking and just starts screaming again. The sound breaks my heart, ripping it apart as he slowly breaks down and then remains completely silent. Neither Riku nor Sora talk; all I could hear are the waves lapping against the shore. The water pulls away from the shore and my best friends don't say a word to each other for hours. Riku doesn't even cry anymore, or if he was, he was crying so quietly that I couldn't hear him.

Sora doesn't cry. For some reason, he doesn't cry any more than he already did, even though I know it was hurting him just as much as it was hurting Riku. He just stays quiet and probably keeps holding Riku, soothing him instead of saying anything.

Why wasn't he crying? Sora used to cry for everything when we were little, even the stupidest things like me getting a free Popsicle or Riku getting a better grade on the test than he did. He'd grown out of it when we were older, of course, but sometimes he would cry for no reason. Whenever we asked him about it, Sora'd get this faraway look in his eyes and say he had something on his mind. I remember… I remember he usually looked over at me when he said that, even if he was talking to Riku. … I wonder… why I'm remembering that… why I can remember something from when we were little but not my wedding day.

"What am I going to tell her?" Riku asks softly, his voice labored from tears and screaming. I'm confused. Tell who? I hear Riku sigh softly and then his voice breaks again. "How am I supposed to tell her that her mommy is dead?" He demands. He starts crying again. "How am I supposed to…? Kairi… _**How**_…?!"

… My… my children… I have… children with Riku. The knowledge that I have children breaks my heart and images start flashing in my head, reminding me of my babies and the days that they were born. The days that I put bandages on their booboos, the days I yelled at them for doing something bad, moments where I praised them for doing something great, and Sora picking him up and cradling his son to his cheek and holding out his hand for me to – no… that…. That's wrong. Those aren't mine! That's not my son! That's not my baby!

Two memories again… two memories, of Riku and Sora… I can see them in my head, even if I'm really dead. I can see a little boy with bright red hair like mine and this big goofy grin on his face like his father's; I can see a little girl with silvery hair with a serious expression, just like her father's. I can see them, almost hold them in my arms if I was actually alive, but I know that one of them exists and the other one doesn't. I know one of them exists, but the other… I know that he existed, too.

I could see both of their fathers holding them in their arms, the happy cries of my babies as they held their hands out to me and my husband's laughing. Which one… which one's real and which isn't? I don't know, I can't tell anymore…!

"Riku… The kid needs you _right **now**_. It doesn't matter if you tell her yet," Sora says next. I could almost see Riku's head snap up and him starting to protest. It's obvious that Sora did something to make him be quiet, maybe shake his head or put his hand over Riku's mouth. His voice is calm, soothing as he speaks. "She needs you. I'll take care of Kairi for you."

"But… But… _Kairi_…" Riku starts to say in that stilted, broken voice.

"There's someone else who needs you," Sora insists forcibly and then all of a sudden, I hear the sound of sand crunching beneath my husband's boots as he runs, runs away from my body and toward our baby girl waiting for him in our house. Or maybe he was running to go protect Sora's son, to go check on his godson.

I don't know anymore. I don't know anymore, why can't I tell which one's real and which one's not?

Sora lets out a soft sigh, one that was full of both pain and relief. He had been just as scared of Riku's crying as I had been. "Nothing for it now…." He mutters to himself, though he says it loud enough for me to hear. Silly Sora. If I could, I would have laughed at him. I feel the crunch of sand under his shoes as he walks toward me, each little vibration reminding me that he was alive.

For some reason, that makes me feel better. It should have been Riku's crunching that made me feel better, since I loved him, but... somehow… Sora made it better.

I think I'm a terrible person.

Sora's hands slip underneath me again, scooping me up and pressing me against his body again. I can almost feel the tickle of his hair as he puts my head on his shoulder and picks me up bridal style. For some reason, I can remember a day where he actually did hold me like this when I was alive, a day where I was… dressed in white lace and beautiful blue fabric and he had this big, happy smile on his face as I walked down the aisle toward him.

These memories… one of them was of him. I wish I could ask him why I had two sets. Now I could remember Riku's and my wedding; the dress had been white in that one, with blue lace instead of white. Opposites. A daughter and a son, a white dress with blue and a blue dress with white, a serious husband and one that could never stop joking around.

Oh, Sora, which one's real?

His hand strokes my hair as he walks off with my body in his arms. Sora talks as he wanders off in a random direction, like he wasn't sure where he was supposed to go and could only keep going if he heard someone talking. I can feel his steady pace pause a few times and then him stepping on something, like he was walking around an obstacle course. Glass. Maybe… wood?

A flash of memory comes back and I remember standing in my doorway watching a storm brew in the distance.

I remember Riku calling me back in, warning me that it might be a hurricane and that I should be ready to go down to the cellar if I needed to. I… I remember… my daughter had been in school. I went out to go get her. … The storm picked me up and I landed hard in the water. I remember smacking my head on the surface of the water and everything going black…

I… drowned… trying to get to shore and get my daughter from school.

Sora chuckles softly under his breath as he walks; I could feel the vibration go through my stomach, warm and soothing even though I wasn't alive anymore. "Tomorrow, you'll probably be buried tonight," I heard him comment quietly. He lifts my chin up slightly. "You're so broken up right now, you'll be buried tonight and then… well, tomorrow you'll be alive again."

_What_? I'll be _alive_ again? Sora, what are you talking about?

I hear him laugh again, this soft and pained, bitter laugh that he had never used before. "I'll see you after midnight…" He starts to say, but once again, like when I hit the water, I feel the world around me go black. No… Sora… wait! What do you mean that I'll see you after midnight?

"Please wait a little longer…" He whispers as he presses another kiss to my temple. It feels warm; if I could have and if I had my eyes open, I would have closed them from how good it felt. The world starts to move around me and the feeling of Sora holding me starts to fade away.

Wait!

Please… _don't go! SORA!_

With a scream, I sit up in bed and nearly fall out. My heart is racing, each hard thud against my ribcage reminding me that I was alive. Sweat coats my skin, chilling me to the bone as I start to cry. The bedsheets are cold and gross, drenched with sweat but I press my face to them anyway and let my tears soak through them, too.

What a horrible dream… what a horrible…

I blink a few times, suddenly realizing that I don't remember what happened in the dream. I remember crying in the dream. … No… not me. Riku. Riku had been there. I lean back in my bed, suddenly realizing that my friends had been in the dream. That was weird; I almost never dreamed about them.

Sora had been there, too, though. I remember… I reach up and touch my temple, feeling this weird lingering warmth there that wasn't there in the rest of my body. The rest of me felt cold and gross and clammy from sweat, but this spot… I rub it in confusion. It feels warm. It's the only part of me that's warm.

Why didn't I remember…?

"Kairi!" Dad calls out to me and I hear a knock at my door. I look over just in time to see Dad let Sora and Riku in and for Riku to look at me and wink. Dad chuckles softly but keeps his eyes on the boys and makes sure that they don't walk any closer to the bed. "You have some visitors… and they wouldn't wait for you," He says, specifically narrowing his eyes at Sora.

Sora grins and nods sheepishly. "Hey, Kairi!" He says without shame, obviously not really minding that he had just barged in. He holds out a bundle of little chocolates on sticks, waving them around his face as he laughed. "Mom made candy, so she said you should have some as soon as possible!" He clarifies.

I laugh and Dad smacks his hand into his forehead. "And I said that you should just wait up and let her get dressed first!" He scolds, but he just shakes his head and starts to leave. Sora grins at him and then gives me a thumbs up as he hands over one of the candy sticks. Obviously telling that I was about to eat chocolate for breakfast, Dad stops and glares at my friends. "And you three will be getting breakfast in about ten minutes. … Kai, door stays open." He commands before he walks out.

"Dad!" I shout after him, embarrassed that he thought I would be up to something with those two here. Riku and Sora blush but they start laughing. "It's not funny!" I yell at them next, but Riku was already getting closer. He looks down at me for a second before looking back at my face, a mischievous grin already firmly in place.

"My, Kairi," He says in a singsong voice, giving me a cocky wink. He nods toward my body, which I immediately cover up with my sheets. What was that perv looking at? "Lace? _Red_ lace and white _satin_ with _hearts_? You're growing up so **_fast_**…!" I look down in faint horror to see that my new pajamas did, in fact, have bright red lace covering the neck.

That little pervert!

"Get out!" I yell as I jump out of bed and charge at him. Riku flinches but his fast moves don't help him now as I grab him by the shoulders and turn him around. He barely fights as I start pushing him out of my room forcibly. The jerk just starts laughing and looks over his shoulder down at me.

"Oi, Kairi… are you not wearing a bra?" Riku asks next just as I throw him at the doorframe and slam his head into it. "OW!"

Sora bursts into laughter as Riku's face is mushed against the door and the older boy mockingly yells out that I was hurting him. I couldn't help but start laughing as Riku does, too. It feels good, it feels so good to be here with my friends instead…

I feel tears trickling down my face as I suddenly collapse to my knees, unable to stand. Sora and Riku freeze in mid-laugh, staring down at me in horror as I burst into tears and start to wail. Riku is standing right in front of me and starts to reach to me, to yank me to my feet and calm me down, but Sora somehow manages to beat him in reaching me.

He pulls me into him, wraps his arms around my waist, and holds on tight, like he was never going to let go.

"It's okay," Sora whispers to me and then I feel Riku's hand drop down onto my shoulder.

"Yeah, it's alright, I'm sorry," Riku says next, looking really scared that I had suddenly started crying.

I shake my head and push my face into Sora's shoulder, shocking him into staying completely still. As if he understood what I wanted, he places his hands on my shoulder blades and starts massaging them. It feels good…

"I had a bad dream," I hear myself whisper to him and Sora flinches hard, like he had known that. I look up at him in surprise and there's this look of guilt in his eyes, like… he had known that. Why had he known that? Geez, caught in my brand new pajamas and being asked if I was wearing a bra but it was a nightmare that ended up scaring me. But Sora somehow knows it… why? After a moment, it fades away and he just smiles at me.

"It's over now," He tells me in what feels like a _deeper_ voice, even though his voice stays exactly the same. For just a little bit, I can imagine what Sora's going to sound like when he's an adult. … it sounds pretty awesome, actually. Even... kind of cute. He puts his hand on my cheek and grins. "So don't worry about it, you're safe now." He says before tapping my nose with one of the candy sticks he was still holding.

I frown and start to swat away his hand, but he just laughs and lets me stand up. What a horrible tease! I turn away from him, folding my arms across my chest in a mock pout. Jerk! He's just as bad as Riku! "Gee, _thanks_, Sora," I tell him and Riku laughs.

"Aw, did Kairi reject poor wittle Sora's feelings?" He teases as I walk back toward my bed and sit down.. I see this look of annoyance suddenly flash across Sora's face. He looks over at me and sighs, rolling his eyes before chuckling.

He looks over at Riku and smirks before taking one of the candy sticks and pulling the top chocolate off of it. With a weird grace he'd never shown before, Sora tosses the rest to Riku, who immediately snatches them out of the air. Concerned with catching the candy, Riku doesn't see Sora walk to my bed and jump onto the covers.

Sora does nothing more than very gently press the candy against my lips. Not knowing what to do, I open my mouth and let Sora hand feed me. There's this horrified look on Riku's face and his jaw drops open at the scene, obviously just as confused as I was about what the hell was going on. Sora waits just long enough for me to close my mouth and begin eating before tapping my lips with his fingers.

My face turns bright red.

"Haven't even _started_ to get serious, Riku," Sora teases before turning to me and winking. He leans in and for a split second, I think he was close enough to – ew, no! He's my best friend! Why would he _kiss_ me?! But all he does is mock-whisper in my ear loud enough for Riku to hear. "Good thing I'm so much more handsome than Riku is!" He laughs.

Riku snaps his jaw shut with his hand, forcibly pushing up on his chin to make it close. "Sora's seducing Kairi!" He shouts before jumping forward and grabbing the brunet by the bangs. Sora yelps and wiggles hard as he's yanked off the bed and dragged toward the door.

"_WHAT THE _**HELL**_, SORA?!_"I hear my Dad scream from the kitchen.

"I was _not_, it was just a joke! Kairi, tell him it was a joke!" He wails as Riku chucks him out of the room and we both hear this very loud crash. Ow. He must have hit his head on the vase in the hallway again. We're going to have to get that replaced again, aren't we?

Riku looks over at me, his normally pale cheeks bright red with embarrassment. "Sorry, Kai," He says, rubbing at his hair nervously. He wouldn't look at my eyes for some reason, like he couldn't meet them. "Sora doesn't know when to stop the joke. … Uh, I'll let you get changed now!" He suddenly stutters before slamming the door closed behind him.

I just stare at the door before putting my hand to my mouth. A very faint smile starts twitching across my lips. For some reason, I feel a lot better, like something very wrong had just been corrected. I'm thirteen years old, just a few weeks away from turning fourteen. I have two very goofy best friends that are constantly fighting each other. I'm the only girl in their lives, except for maybe their moms. My Dad is a single parent, but he loves me very much, as much as my friends do and then some. For some reason, that all seems right... good and perfect. It feels like everything had just turned back to the way that they were supposed to be.

Everything was right with the universe.

I smile as I touch my lips and feel the warmth of the chocolate on my tongue. Closing my eyes, I chuckle and keep on blushing. Maybe... maybe today's going to be an interesting day.


	3. All Too Easy

**Of course Riku got the longest chapter... *headslams into my laptop* I don't even like this chapter!**

**Disclaimers: Kingdom Hearts is not mine and all that. **

**Also, this is the most gruesome chapter of this three-shot. I'm warning you now. Skip down if you can't handle it, hit ctrl + f and type in "December 25th" and hit the second result if you can't handle gore. **

**Also, all "lifetime #" are my own additions so you lovely readers can tell when they have jumped into a new life. Thank you. Please read and review. **

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**All Too Easy**

_Lifetime 1_

December 25th

Dear Sora,

It's easy, exceedingly easy to become a killer.

Maybe I should be saying that it's stupidly easy to become a monster instead. I'm not all that sure, actually. Either way, my story's not that interesting, not til that point. The point where I snapped… It was never all that interesting until that day, the day when I first started. But it was _my_ life, _our_ lives, and it was all I ever wanted.

That's why I had to do it. That's why I had to kill them. I hope you understand that. They killed my friends, they killed you and Kairi, and they expected me to just step back and _take_ it. So, if you don't mind, I won't be saying that I'm sorry. Because I'm not. If I could go back knowing all that I know right at this minute and stop myself… well, let's say that I wouldn't. I'd just be a little bit more careful. I wouldn't have made the stupid mistake that let the cops catch me.

He deserved it. They all did.

… It's Christmas. It's Christmas today. Heh, you think that Santa's going to come? I almost wish I could believe that. Sora, do you still believe in Santa? I wonder about Kairi. Think she'll be making wreaths up in Heaven?

… I don't know why I'm writing this letter. No one's going to read it. I'll probably just burn it and hide under my blanket for the rest of the day. Fuck meal time. I'm not hungry. … If I skip, I bet they're going to take it as I have to go back on suicide watch. Fuck. I have to eat.

I can almost hear you guys scolding me, saying that I have to take better care of myself. I hate turkey, dammit, and nothing you can say is going to make me like it. … I wish I could hear your voices again. It'd make me feel better.

I guess I should write down what happened. My therapist – I have one of those by the way, apparently I got tried as not being in my right mind – says that it's better to let everything out instead of keeping it all bottled inside. That's how I ended up here in the first place.

Do you remember the dance? Yeah, I know, that's a really, _really_ stupid place to start this but… that's where I feel it started. Me and you, Sora, remember that we went stag because someone already asked Kairi out? Heh, we ended up being dragged to like, every dress store on the island and wait for her to try on every single one of those dresses while she decided. She was driving us _**nuts**_ because she said she looked stupid in all of them. … I wish I could go back to that afternoon.

The one she ended up buying was beautiful. I remember your face when you saw it, a big mass of purple fabric covered in sparkles, lace, and these big flowers. You looked like someone punched you in the gut and you couldn't stop smiling. … Maybe that's where it started. That smile. Dammit, Sora, why'd you have to smile like that?

I should have stopped it. I should have stopped all three of us from going to the dance. It wouldn't have happened if I had just seen those warning signs! I should have known!

l... I don't know anymore. You smiled and that's when I decided to give up on Kairi and to force you to face your damn feelings for once. I'd be your wingman and you'd finally get the girl. I remember thinking that this was how it was supposed to be. That was a weird thing. Even though I loved her too, even though I was more mature than you and more willing to know what I felt, older and stronger and smarter and just _better_ than you, you were the one I thought _deserved_ to have her. It was weird… but somehow… deep down inside… I knew you'd make her happy.

It was like I knew you were the one to make her happy. That you had done it before. It was this weird sense of déjà vu that made me sure that you two would be happy together.

Remember the tux store? Remember how Kairi made us go in there because we told her we were going to go in jeans? Sora, she damn near killed us. Hahaha, don't you remember how mad she got? She threw her heels at us! … I still think I looked stupid in the tux she picked out for me. I mean, baby blue with ruffles? Seriously? I swear she was messing with me, no matter how cute she said I looked. Ah, what I did to make her smile…

I never told you this when you were alive. Maybe I didn't have the heart, maybe I just wanted to keep it a secret until you were ready to understand you loved her, but… the second you came out of the changing room in that black tux… I swear Kai was going to pass out from how good you looked. … Maybe I should have told you. It would have made you laugh to see how much she was blushing and thank God you didn't notice it because you were too busy complaining on how tight the pants were and that it was itchy. She ran off to 'get some water', ha, she ran off to wash her face because she was starting to realize you weren't that little boy anymore.

I wish I told you. I wish I hadn't kept quiet. It would have made you smile, Sora.

… This hurts. I don't want to keep talking to you when you won't read this, Sora. I miss you guys too much. I hate this.

… Long story short… we went to the dance and I kept teasing you to snag a dance from Kairi. You were embarrassed as hell and kept saying no. That you didn't want to ruin her perfect night with your lame dancing. C'mon, you kept staring at her with those puppy dog eyes of yours and she kept staring back at you even when she was dancing with her date. It was so obvious, painfully obvious what you guys wanted. What did I have to do, smack the two of you with two by fours for you to get the hint?

… We should have run. If I knew what would happen, I would have ran. I would have taken the two of you with me and gotten off the island permanently.

After a little bit, I snuck over to Kairi and asked her if she wanted to dance. She got embarrassed and said no, that she had to wait for her date to come back from the bathroom. That she was hungry. Kai gave me like, fifty different excuses on why she didn't want to dance with me. I won't lie and say that it didn't sting a bit.

But when I leaned down and asked her if she'd dance with you, her eyes lit up like no one's business. Like fireworks had suddenly gone off. She looked so happy at the idea but she immediately tried to hide it. "Oh, Sora's not a good dancer," she said. Not no. You notice that? Not a no. She wanted to dance, Sora, and with you.

Dammit, why were you hanging out in the corner with Tidus and Wakka and playing basketball?

I practically dragged her out of the chair to go get you. I made Kairi swear up and down that she wouldn't say it was my idea and to make you dance. That you wanted to dance. Heh, the look on your face when Kairi asked you. Again, you looked like someone punched you in the stomach and you damn near passed out when she took your hand and you guys walked to the dance floor.

… One dance. It was only one dance. A slow dance, even. Even though you can't dance worth a damn, you two looked just perfect. Storybook prince and princess. If we had been voting for king and queen, I'm sure everyone would have voted for you two. Kairi looked happy. You looked like you were dreaming and didn't want to wake up.

You guys were falling in love that night and I'll even risk sounding stupid but it was a beautiful thing.

Too bad her date and his friends came back.

… He was pissed off that 'his' girl was dancing with some other guy, and especially because it was you. I think he could see that look in your eyes, that happy loving look. His friends immediately called Kairi a whore. You tried to calm them down and said that it was just a dance and that he thought Kairi was bored so he asked her to dance. … The guy didn't like that and his friends started shoving you, telling you to get the fuck away. I jumped in then, telling them to back off and trying to stop the fight that was starting up between you two.

He grabbed me and slammed me into the wall and well, I hit one of the decorations and got knocked out.

… I… I don't remember what happened next cause of that. Everything I know from this point came from Tidus and Wakka. … He… he threw you into one of the tables and took Kairi back to their table and made her wait there. She got up and started to beg him not to fight, but you jumped back to your feet, ran over, and slugged him in the face. I had no idea that you were that strong, but everyone said you shattered his nose. Not just broke, but _shattered_.

He grabbed you… and… well… you hit the edge of the table. But you got up and started fighting. Everyone said that even though you were outnumbered, you fought the best you could and until they threw you outside and into the dumpster, you were winning. Heh, you versus three guys that were bigger and stronger than you, and you were winning. I wish that could make me feel better.

… Your head hit the edge of the dumpster. The metal… snapped something inside of you. You… didn't wake up. I remember waking up on the floor covered in punch and these little sandwiches and hearing everyone scream. I remember thinking that someone had gotten hurt, getting up, and going to go look. I saw you there on the floor with Tidus screaming at you to wake up. Your eyes were wide-open but you weren't blinking and you were staring up at the sky in fear, like you were terrified of something.

Tidus told me later that you managed to say something just before you went. "Dammit, I can't protect her." I don't know what that meant, Sora. I have no idea what that meant. All I knew was that I was looking at your body.

… I.. I don't remember what happened after that. All I remember was everything going dark, Sora, everything going dark and then… the police were grabbing me and pulling me off of them. … They weren't moving. It was an accident. I didn't mean to do it but it felt so good. I couldn't stop crying.

… Kairi killed herself soon after. She died a few days ago and her funeral was yesterday afternoon. I couldn't go.

For some reason, I feel good about that. I know it sounds really messed up, Sora, but I have a feeling everything's going to be okay now. That I'll get to see you soon. Oh, it's almost midnight. I should go to sleep now. When I wake up tomorrow, everything's going to be okay. I don't know why I feel that.

Goodnight, Sora. Please… please let everything be alright tomorrow. I need to know that everything going to be alright.

Your best friend,

Riku

_Note from the warden:_

_Riku Takamura has been found dead in his cell. Cause of death appears to suicide, specifically being hung from the ceiling with a bed-sheet. All personal notes and belongings will be sent to his family as soon as possible._

* * *

_Lifetime 2_

December 25th

Dear Journal,

Today's a weird day. I woke up crying. I don't know why, but I think it was because of some nightmare I had. I can't remember it, but I know something horrible happened in it. I think something horrible happened to Sora and to Kairi, but I can't remember what it was. I'm glad I can't remember my dream.

Anyway, we're all going to the beach today. Sora said something about making the world's biggest sandcastle and Kairi wants to go looking for seashells. Maybe I can finally get those two to calm down; they've been all excited for summer break for nearly two weeks.

Reminder: Gotta find good present for Kairi's birthday in a few weeks. No excuses. No help from Sora. He'll think of something stupid, like a baseball bat. Maybe a hat? Would Kairi wear a hat? No, no clothes. Keep thinking about it.

I'll write some more later, I need to get going now.

Forgetfully yours,

Riku

PS: Today's going to be a good day, I can feel it.

* * *

September 1st

Dear Journal,

I can't stop crying. I can't stop. It hurts so much. Oh god, Sora… Sora's dead. Sora died tonight and… Kairi's not expected to wake up. Oh god… this is all my fault…!

I have to write it down. I have to say what happened. Please, let this be a dream! I can still the flames, I can see the flames rising higher and higher on his flesh as he screamed and how he begged for me to catch Kairi, to get her out of the house. … Sora's house caught on fire. They were on the top floors and… the stairs collapsed. They managed to get to the roof and…

Sora's… clothes…

No… it can't be real… please don't let it be real… I couldn't have been the only one to have made it out okay.

Hahahahahahahahahaha, it's not real, right?!

Wake up, Riku, please, you have to finish it. You have to say it. Please… Oh, Sora, I'm so sorry.

Sora… jumped. It was from the second story. He should have been able to survive it but… he angled himself so that… his back was to the ground. Kairi was in his arms. His clothes were on fire. His clothes were on fire and… I … couldn't do anything. His clothes were on fire and as he fell, I heard something in his body snap. His… the firefighters, the doctor who did the autopsy said it was his spine. He broke his spine and for whatever reason, he couldn't breathe anymore and…

Kairi inhaled too much smoke. She's not expected to wake up. Her dad and the rest of her family's talking about unplugging her life support. She doesn't have any brain activity left.

I don't know what to do. Please, someone tell me what to do.

… I think I know what to do. I have a feeling if I do this, everything's going to end up okay. I have to kill Kairi. I have to unplug her myself. Then Sora'll be alive and she'll be alright. … I don't know why I know that. Oh god, what if I'm wrong? Please, _**please**_ don't let me be wrong!

Riku

* * *

_Lifetime 3_

July 2nd

Dear Journal,

Well, it's official. Kairi and Sora are dating. Ugh, it only took them two years! Geez, they're eighteen already! They should have been together a long time ago.

Happy news aside … I guess since this is my personal journal, no one's going to laugh at me if I write something weird down. At least, they shouldn't, because Sora, if you're reading this, I'm going to fucking kill you. End of story.

Anyway… just a few days ago, I had this horrible nightmare. I don't remember much of it, but I know that I did something… terrible in it. The little I can remember scared the living daylights out of me. I… I'm starting to forget it. I need to write it down. So I can remember. Um… I was in a hospital room. Destiny Care's Intensive Care Unit, actually. I remember seeing a sign. I… I was in Kairi's room. She was under a sheet, fast asleep. She was in a machine and I'm not sure what it was for, I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think it was like one of those iron lung things. It was keeping her alive. … I unplugged it.

Is… is this some subconscious desire for me to hurt Kairi? Because she picked Sora instead of me? I'm not sure. I'm scared. I can at least admit that here. I thought I was stronger than this… Anyway, reminder for later: Riku, go get milk. Mom's on my ass about me drinking enough dairy. Ugh, college… Just really a new way for them to keep me under their thumb.

Cheers with a glass of milk,

Riku

* * *

October 3rd

Dear Journal,

Wow, it's been two years since I've touched this thing.

Huh. Time flies. Anyway… uh, well, I guess I should say my thoughts, eh, journal? Anyway, I'm twenty one now. The shots were awesome. That's not why I'm writing in here again. Well, the truth is that Sora and Kairi are getting married. I have no idea if I should be sad about it, since I love her too, or be super excited.

I'm going to be best man, that's all I know. Kairi is thinking about baby blue tuxedos for the "guys of honor." If she says we have to wear them, I'm shooting myself in the head. End of story.

Reminder: Pick up Sora's cousins Xion and Axel from Twilight Town. Xion's going to be maid of honor. … I wonder if she's cute. Hope so!

Reluctantly in blue,

Riku

* * *

December 25th

Dear Journal,

It's official. Sora and Kairi are going to have a baby. I knew it wouldn't take very long.

Sora wants to name it after me and Kairi wants me to be godfather. If I wasn't so tough, I think I'd cry from how touched I am. Heh, another Riku running around… I like the idea. It makes me happy just how well they've grown up, just how good Sora is to her, and how Kairi is blossoming into her future motherhood.

She can't stop crying and she's so excited that it's driving everyone (except Sora) nuts. Anyway, today she made me drive her to the store and get a crib. Yeah, just about seven months early. She started picking out clothes and she found a red jumpsuit that looked just like Sora's from when he was fourteen. … Kairi bought three.

This kid is going to end up a clown just like his dad, I can feel it. We just need the yellow shoes. I'm pretty sure she's looking for them already.

Anyway, gotta go. I have to run after Kairi and Sora and make sure that the hormonal lady doesn't kill him. We need to pick up chocolate, ASAP.

Laughing and _so_ glad it's not mine,

Riku

PS: Also, date with Xion later tonight. Wish me luck, bundle of dead wood paper.

PPS: This is the most peaceful life I think I could ever have. You have no idea how happy I am and how happy those two knuckleheads are.


	4. Forgiveness

**Since my muse keeps getting inspired, I've decided to keep this one open for a while. At least til I find the perfect ending. **

**Disclaimers: Kingdom Hearts is not mine.**

* * *

**Forgiveness**

I never meant to.

If there was one thing I can say about this whole mess, it's that I never meant to do this.

I never wanted immortality, Kai. I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it, and I want someone to take it away. … This isn't the first time I've told you about it before you died. You're sitting there, my hand in yours, looking at me as if I'm completely insane.

Trust me, I have been. I'm not crazy now. I… I just want it to stop. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it never works! You still… you still die. … Please don't cry. I'm alright. I'm… I'm not crazy. I can prove it. I can prove it to you.

Kai, look under your shirt. No, I don't mean it like that! I mean, look on your stomach. A few lifetimes ago, you… you bled out because someone stabbed you. I… I'm not going to say who it was but… you still have the scar. Please look. Please look for me.

Now she sees it.

Please… please don't be scared. I can promise you that it didn't hurt you very much. You were… too out of it to know what was going on. Kai, please. I need you to listen to me. I need you to… t… to help me. There's one way we haven't tried yet, one way that…

The scars carry over, Kairi. They always carry over. Here, look. My arm. Look at my arm. You see that long scar going up my vein? That's… from a suicide. OW! What was that for?! Why'd you hit me?! … I'm sorry. … I didn't… get to say I was sorry. I… hurt you in that lifetime. I left you behind and… well… Kairi… you got to live to eighty.

Heh, yeah. You were still pretty cute as an old lady.

… I'm sorry I wasn't there. I… uh… well, I was there in spirit? … if this is hurting you, if this… explanation is too much, then I'll be quiet. We can just keep sitting here on the pier and we can look at the sunset. We don't have to do anything else.

… Huh? You believe me? … R-really? This… this is the first time you've ever believed me before! The other times, the other times I've told you this young, you said I was nuts! This is great! Maybe this time we can stop-!

… Mmm? Kai… Kai, why'd you…? … Dammit, this isn't the time for… Yeah, alright, you can lean on me. It's alright. I… Heh… Alright, the happiest lifetime? That's what you want to hear? … A good memory… Alright, lean back and I'll tell you. Just let me wrap my arms around you.

That's it, just like that.

You know how we're eighteen right now? Well, one of the other lifetimes we had together, at eighteen we got married. … Don't give me that look, we had a reason. Let's just say that the next best day in that life for me was the day our daughter was born.

She looked like you. She looked just like you, red hair and everything. … Mm… we named her Skye. After me, naturally. Riku got mad and we ended up giving her the middle name 'Terra' for him. Skye Terra Minami. One heck of a mouthful, hahaha!

… We had a happy life then. We had everything we ever wanted. … Can I just leave it like that? Please? I don't want to remember what happened in that one.

… Kai… I have to tell you something. I know you're smiling at the idea of us… being together like that… but… you've never lived to old age when you were with me. The only times you've lived to old age was when you were with Riku.

OW! What the hell?! Why'd you hit me-! … Oh. … Kairi… You know, don't you. That I'm leaving? … No wonder you were so upset… when did you find out? Ah… Riku told you this morning? I oughta…

Mmm? Take… you with me?

I wish I could. Kairi… you mind… forgiving me? For not saving you? I… I can't stop crying in the night because… I know it's my fault. So… please… do you mind giving me your blessing? Something to remind me why I'm going? Give me one last smile, even, it's not that hard to do. Please. Yeah… just like that, that makes me feel a lot better. Like… I can keep walking. I can get over this damn depression, even. Heh… … Kai? What are you…?

… Thank you. I'll bring it back to you one day; I'm not one for stealing good-luck charms.


	5. Realizing

**What's funny is that a coherent story line is starting to develop... Damn you muse!  
**

**Disclaimers: Kingdom Hearts is not mine and all that jazz. Please read and review.  
**

* * *

**Realizing**

"I just want you to know that it's not a date, Sora."

I tossed a chocolate over to Sora, humming softly as I painted my nails a dark shade of blue. He looked over at me for a moment before popping the candy into his mouth. He nodded quietly. I kept humming as I finished off my index finger and started moving toward my middle.

"Honest, Sora, it's _not_ a date," I repeated quietly, trying to figure out what was wrong with him.

There was something in the way he was being quiet, so unnaturally quiet that was frightening me. Sora almost never stayed quiet; he was usually the loudest in the group, the one rounding everyone else up and getting them hyped. Like a cheerleader. He was Destiny Island's personal cheerleader. But now… he was… different. Darker almost.

"I'm not going to steal Riku away from you," I offered weakly but as the words left my mouth, he just glanced over. There was this… bizarre look in his eyes as he nodded and shifted on the floor, moving so that he was now hugging his knees. "I… I know he's your best friend… we're not going on a date." I repeated, frightened by the expression.

It wasn't Sora's. It wasn't the cheerful goofball we all knew and loved. It looked like it was someone else in there, wearing his skin and walking around pretending to be him.

"I know," was all that he said back.

He didn't say anything after that, not even when out of desperation, I started to show him different outfits that I might wear. I knew for a fact that he hated fashion and would have clawed his eyes out to get out of the impromptu show. Or at least screamed that he wasn't a guinea pig. But… he didn't react. All he did was point to one of the dresses and then to a pair of sandals before getting up and walking out.

For a moment, he looked back. Just for a moment. A split second where he hesitated, where he wanted to say something. If Sora had been okay, he would have stopped. I knew he would have.

… But he didn't. He. Just. Kept. _Walking_.

* * *

His hand in mine felt weird.

Riku was smiling, a strange enough thing for him when he was usually all doom and gloom from seriousness. Well, he wasn't so bad, just very serious instead of being happy on the outside. But now, as we strolled through the crowded hallways of the tiny mall, he was smiling.

"Kai, you think he'll like his present?" He asked after a moment when I stopped to look at a display of boy's clothes.

I stared at the little red jumpsuit, remembering a time when Sora had worn one of those instead of all black. He had found a set of all black clothes, a body suit and shorts and jacket just like the one that had been red and gray. But now, the only colors were on his shorts. Like the colors, his voice started fading away. He was getting quieter.

Everyone had asked him what the change was, why he was wearing such dark clothing on a tropical island, and why his expression had flipped so suddenly from happiness to sorrow. He wouldn't answer anyone… not even me.

Riku nudged my side, making me look up. "Kairi, what's the matter with you?" He asked softly before lifting up the bag to my face. I blinked in surprise. "I said, don't you think Sora'll like his present?" He repeated when he saw that I hadn't been paying attention.

I shrugged, too focused on what our friend used to be to care. "Riku… why is he leaving?" I asked, thinking that maybe his best friend would know instead of me. I mean, I'm just his best female friend. There were things he told Riku that he would never tell. But all Riku did was frown and shake his head.

"Did he feed you that same bullshit story about the lifetimes?" He asked instead. I flinched and nodded. Riku sighed and let go of my hand, using it to rub his hair hard in confusion. "He told me and… he said that in this lifetime, he'd be stepping back and trying to find a way to break the spell. His words, not mine," The silver headed teen before me looked over at a random stand in disturbed puzzlement, obviously not knowing how to explain. "He said… he gave me a blessing and told me to go after you, Kai. To… make you happy." He admitted after a moment.

I stared at him, my jaw dropping in surprise. "You… you _like_ me?" I asked to make sure I was hearing this right. Suddenly, the way that Riku had grabbed my hand on entering the mall seemed completely suspicious and unnatural, like we had never grown up together. He turned pink, the Riku equivalent of turning as red as a tomato, before nodding.

"Sora does too, you know. But he won't admit it," He added with more than a little bit of anger. "It's like he's letting me win. I… I don't like it."

I frowned at that, getting angry myself at the idea of being the prize in a hidden contest between the boys.

All of a sudden, at the edge of my vision, I spotted someone in almost all black. I turned around to see a boy with blond hair that I had never seen before stroll into one of the shops. "… Riku, who's that?" I asked in confusion, motioning to what I had seen. Riku blinked and craned his head over mine, trying to focus on who I saw.

"Wanna get a better look?" He asked quickly, the relieved expression on his face saying that he was glad that I had gotten distracted and he didn't have to talk about his emotions for a while longer. I nodded and allowed Riku to take my hand again and walk casually to the little shop. In order to keep up the illusion that we were window shopping, Riku kept turning to me and saying random things, like he liked the green shirt in one store.

All the while, we kept sneaking to the store.

We peeked into the window only to find out… it wasn't a store at all. It was a barber shop. We watched as the blond boy talked to a man with red hair who then turned and spoke to the barber. All three men nodded and grinned at each other before the barber reached out and slapped the blond on the head. A girl with dark hair snorted in laughter at their antics, while the blond just clutched at his hair and scowled.

Riku stared shamelessly for five seconds before quietly pulling me to the side and whispering quietly into my ear.

"That's Sora's cousin, Xion," He murmured softly. His expression was dark, even threatening. Had… had he seen something that disturbed him? "And that man next to them, that's her best friend, Lea. What the hell are they doing here? They live in Twilight Town." Riku stated in confusion before we swung back around to spy on them.

The blond was sitting in the barber chair, getting most of his ragged blond locks sheared off. Lea and Xion were laughing at something and from the way they were pointing at him, it was the kid. Even the barber seemed to be laughing as he cut. After a moment, the boy turned and stuck his tongue out at Lea who got up and smacked him on the shoulder.

The barber quickly separated them and from the way he was motioning to Lea, the redhead had been punished by a little while in the time-out corner.

The hair cut was pretty quick, despite all the hair that the guy had to work with. In only a few more minutes, the kid was standing in front of a mirror and looking it over. He grinned and nodded, obviously saying that he liked it. In a token of respect, he walked back to the barber and slapped a couple hundred munny into his hand.

He flashed him a thumbs up and left with his friends before the man could protest how much he had been given.

Riku pulled us behind the building again just as they passed us, keeping us hidden from view. We both listened as hard as we possibly could.

"Hey," Xion said as she playfully wrapped an arm around her fellow teenager. My jaw dropped in shock as the blond haired kid leaned into her and smiled softly. "How's the haircut feel, Sora?"

Sora… The boy was _Sora_!

Sora rubbed at his new sheared and dyed locks and grinned sheepishly as they walked past the alley we were hiding in. "It feels weird, I've never had it this short before," He admitted but he shrugged as he rubbed his bangs, the only part of his hair that remained sticking up like normal. "But it feels good, like I'm someone new. Thanks, Lea, I owe you one for suggesting it." Sora said gratefully.

Thankfully, they stopped to look at something in the next store over and that let Riku and I keep eavesdropping.

Lea snorted with laughter and reached up, ruffling Sora's hair roughly. "Not my fault you decided to chop it off with a chunk of glass!" He teased cheerfully. Sora turned a little red then. Lea tapped his finger against Sora's cheek, mock-scolding him. "Didn't your mommy tell you that cutting your hair with a mirror is considered bad luck?"

I felt Riku tense beside me, freezing at the sound of that. Did… did he know what that meant? After a moment, Sora turned and smacked Lea between the eyes. As the redhead yelped and stumbled backwards, I saw him accidentally grab Sora by the wrist. A horrible expression flashed across his face as he and Lea tumbled backwards and to the floor.

It was this look of absolutely horrific pain, like Lea had poured battery acid onto his skin instead of just grabbing him. It terrified me and a split second later, when Xion helped Sora back up, I saw exactly why.

His hands were covered in bandages. They were hidden mostly by his gloves, but when his sleeve went up, I could see that they were all over his arm and hands. Riku gasped and had to slap a hand to his mouth to keep from crying out. Sora had hurt himself. And the glass comment… he had somehow found a glass shard and hacked through his hair with it.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

Sora had broken a mirror. He'd probably punched through it, ripping his hands and arms in the progress. Maybe even put it to his skin and tore through it to… make himself bleed. From the way he had winced, the cuts were deep, very deep, deep enough to hurt him horribly. And then he had attacked his hair.

Lea apologized and allowed Sora and Xion to yank him to his feet. "So, since we've all got our fancy new duds… Sora, you look awesome in that white jacket by the way," He commented, making Sora frown and Xion laugh. Lea rubbed at his hair in mild confusion. Putting his hand on his hip, the man thought out loud. "What are we going to do now? I mean, you said you wanted to take us somewhere, right?"

Sora nodded. "Uh huh, I was thinking we'd make a good team for the Games," He said calmly.

But the casual name drop was enough to make Xion and Lea freeze and stare at each other, obviously thinking that they had misheard. They turned to look at Sora who just smiled without any concern over what his announcement meant.

I didn't know what the Games meant.

Lea spoke first. "… The Olympic Games. You want us to sign up and be gladiators at that school?" He demanded and he rubbed one of his ears hard, pretending to clean it out. "I swear you just said we should be gladiators!" He laughed in surprise. Xion nodded, staring at her cousin with more than a little concern.

"I did," Sora folded his arms across his chest, daring Lea to say anything further. Both of them stopped to stare at Sora again. But he lifted a finger up and prevented them from blurting out whatever excuses they had on their minds. "Remember, I said that we're going to be really good at this but since I'm still a minor and all and my folks didn't give me permission like Xion's did… I need to change my name. So I'm open to suggestions."

"Do you even have munny for this? It's not exactly cheap to convince someone to take you on as a fighter," Xion demanded.

Sora nodded and pulled out a small orange bag. "Got you covered." He said calmly, grinning as Xion groaned and slapped her hand into her forehead. "Ten thou, right here in my hand. And I've got another twenty hidden away somewhere." Sora admitted.

Lea shook his head. "So you really want us to do this? This is your new experiment to break the spell?" He asked curiously. We froze at that, glancing at each other in horror as we realized what Sora was up to. He was leaving because of his delusion about reliving his life over and over… and Lea and Xion were _encouraging his insanity._

Sora nodded and smiled.

Lea and Xion looked at each other again and grinned. They put their heads together and whispered for a few minutes. Sora leaned against the store as they argued and as Xion let a punch fly into Lea's face. He caught with his cheek and snarled at the little girl as his white skin started turning sickly purple. But he continues to whisper and then they both nodded, grinning in a pleased way. They turned to Sora and announced his new name loudly.

"Then let's call you Roxas!"


	6. Messages

**Messages**

'Hello, this is Roxas, Xion, and Axel's room, room 138 in the Hera dorm. Uh… if you're hearing this message, well, obviously we are not here at the moment-

_Hey, Roxas! Come on, let's go get something to drink!_

Dammit, Axel! Now I have to delete the message!

_Eh? What mess- hey, since when do we have an answering machine? Is it still going?_

Yes, it is, now be quiet so I can make the message!

_Why don't you make me?!_

Axel… are… are you _drunk_?!

**Guys, why are you yelling at each other?**

Xion, tell him to shut up so I can make our answering machine message. I have to delete it now anyway…

**The machine's still going. **

I know… but Axel won't shut up…

_Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's make a crazy one and then Roxas can't delete it!_

Hey, no, wait, _AXEL_!

_This is Axel, your captain speaking, if you're trying to avoid the zombie apocalypse, please leave a message after the braaaaaaaaaaains! If you wanna be a space monster, join the Lightyear Corps and get a free cookie t-shirt! They're space-a-licious! … Come on, Xion, you do one! Do something ridiculous! _

**Uh… if you'd like to see um… naked cowboys – **

GUYS!

_Keep going, that's great! _

**Please dial one now. If you want to see naked cowgirls, dial two. If you're a pervert and you know it and you really wanna show it, please dial two and three together! **

… That was random. What's with the cowboys? We're _gladiators_!

**I don't know, that was the first thing that came to mind!**

_Anyway, please leave a message at the tone!_

**Especially if you're a zombie, space monster, or cowboy!**

GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE _THAT_ AS OUR-!

Beep!'

"Well, that was one hell of a message, Sora. You have no idea how mad your mom got. Kairi and I couldn't stop laughing. Anyway, this is Riku. Just called to make sure you were okay, that you'd gotten there safely and all that. From the sound of it, you're having a great time. I was really worried about you.

Just what kinda classes are you going to have? Do you have to sign up for Monster-Slaying 101 or something? Man, is that a class? If it is, can I still sign up?

Anyway, since we're all really excited about you being on TV tomorrow night – a rookie team and already going into the Cerberus Cup! – your mom, Kairi, and I all sent you something to celebrate. It should be coming in the mail today, Sora, and yes, Axel and Xion can have some of the cookies too.

The lemon sugar ones are from me; they build up stamina.

Alright, call me back as soon as you can. Don't take forever."

* * *

'_Anyway, please leave a message at the tone!_

**Especially if you're a zombie, space monster, or cowboy!**

GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE _THAT_ AS OUR-!

Beep!'

"Dammit, I missed you again? The hell… guess you guys must be out celebrating tonight. Would have _sworn_ that your mom said you'd be resting in the dorms though… Well, just wanted to offer my congratulations and to tell you that you guys looked really cool fighting that Cerberus.

Axel's fire attacks were great, tell him that even if it was fake, he still looked pretty impressive. Xion, too, real nice moves out there. Where'd you guys get the weapons? I never even heard of a Keyblade until now.

Anyway, Kairi wants me to tell you that she wants to know when your next match is so that we can all see it together. Call me back soon, Sora, don't slack off just cause you're a hot shot now!"

* * *

_Anyway, please leave a message at the tone!_

**Especially if you're a zombie, space monster, or cowboy!**

GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE _THAT_ AS OUR-!

Beep!'

"Hey, this is Riku again. Sora, I'm being serious. Call me back. You haven't called anyone from home in two weeks; I checked. Your mom has to call you even to get the littlest bit of news about your matches. What the hell is going on?"

* * *

'_Anyway, please leave a message at the tone!_

**Especially if you're a zombie, space monster, or cowboy!**

GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE _THAT_ AS OUR-!

Beep!'

"SORA! What the hell! Your next tournament was _tonight_?! If it wasn't for Kairi being obsessed with seeing you on TV, no one on the islands would have known! Look, I get that you're really busy hanging out with your new friends and training, but… dammit, it feels like you're replacing us. Look, just call me. I'll be waiting by the phone til midnight. No excuses, you pick up the phone and call or else I'll be calling you at midnight on the dot."

* * *

'_Anyway, please leave a message at the tone!_

**Especially if you're a zombie, space monster, or cowboy!**

GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE _THAT_ AS OUR-!

Beep!'

"Okay… Sora… it's been a _month_. You should be settled in by now. You've had three tournaments already. Call people. Your phone is working now. … Kairi really wants to hear from you. Just… just call her, alright?"

* * *

'_Anyway, please leave a message at the tone!_

**Especially if you're a zombie, space monster, or cowboy!**

GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE _THAT_ AS OUR-!

Beep!'

"Alright, '_Roxas_,' does being a gladiator mean you get to ignore your friends? It's been over a month. Still no fucking calls. Is the training even that hard? You guys are in the _minor_ leagues! Just how hard is that Hercules guy pushing you?

… Alright, I'm trying not to get mad at you. It's probably not your fault. Time zone differences, probably. Too tired to come to the phone when we call even. I get that. Just leave us a message, alright? Send us a damn letter. Kairi's been sending you letters nonstop and I've yet to see a single one from you in her mailbox. We're getting really worried. Call me back. _**Soon**_."

* * *

'GUYS, WE CAN'T HAVE _THAT_ AS OUR-!

Beep!'

"Sora, it's Riku again. Uh… first things first: What the hell is this crap? Your mom said that you told her that you've been not only _calling_ us but sending _emails_ to us every day for the last three months. Uh… No. You have not.

The only email we even _got_ from the Coliseum was one inviting us to the Hades cup. And when we called to get tickets, it turns out that they. Were. Sold. Out. We tried telling them that we knew one of the combatants but that bastard goat wouldn't buy it! We even tried talking to Hercules, your freakin' _trainer_, and he said that he'd never heard of a Riku or Kairi being friends with you. We've left like you like a million messages trying to get an answer from you.

Sora… what's going on? Seriously. Kairi's getting scared. She's ready to jump the train to the Coliseum and just go find you. We know you're alright; you're doing freakin' interviews for Pete's sake. Just… did we do something before you left? Something to give you a three month grudge?

If we did, I'm sorry. I'm sorry on Kairi's behalf, too. Just… just fucking call us, okay? We're best friends. Friends don't do this to each other. … God, I hope your roommates aren't there but... I really miss you, Sora. Not Roxas, not the badass hero you're pretending to be, but my friend. Please call us. I said fucking please. You know I don't do that.

… Please, Sora. What's going on? Just tell us. We won't get mad at you. We just want to talk. Call us back soon."

* * *

_Delete all?_

Yes.

_Delete all thirty messages?_

Yes.

_All thirty messages deleted._


	7. A Friend

**Ahem. A certain song (Rosas by La Oreja de Van Gogh) inspired this chapter. So in honor of that... fun fact!**

** In the language of flowers, lavender roses primarily stand for enchantment. The giver of the purple rose wants to show that he (or she) has fallen in love at first sight. On other words, charm and enchantment they're being given to. This very first meeting has totally entranced the sender of these flowers. And they simply cannot resist the object of his (or her!) desire. ****Lavender roses can also represent wonder and impossibility, with a sense of the magical. Remember this, folks, this might be important for this chapter. ;)  
**

**Disclaimers: Kingdom Hearts is not mine and all things said in this are also not mine. The mere idea is mine.**

* * *

**A Friend**

There's nothing quite like a good fight.

Too bad it always took forever to start the matches.

I gripped the Keyblade in my hands, flipping it around idly as we waited for the cue to start up. Axel was doing the same, spinning his chakrams while Xion and I swapped Keyblades. After a few seconds, we threw them back to each other, each one of us twirling around in a purposely graceful spin as we practiced our infamous double-teaming attack.

Basically, it was me and Xion jumping around and throwing our Keyblades to each other while distracting our opponent. One of us – usually me – was on point and taking the attacks from the target. The second would be behind them and attack with a double Keyblade strike to the face. Just to mock our opponents, we had also incorporated some gymnastic moves into the attacks.

We looked pretty damn cool, if I do say so myself.

Lucky for both of us, I'd had a lifetime where I dedicated myself to martial arts and another gymnastics. Since I could remember the moves, it was easier to make my body – and Xion's, I guess – learn how to do them again. I was just glad that I had armor this time around, not that skin tight red leotard that always pinched my …

"Hey, Roxas," Axel said suddenly, making Xion and I stop in mid-twirl.

"Yeah, Axe?" I asked curiously just as he bent down and took a seat on the tiles. He stretched out lazily, grinning up at me as he pulled his hood off of his head.

"We really made it." He said in amusement, waving his arm proudly at us.

Xion and I exchanged glances before grinning, dropping down to our haunches and looking back at the group of trophies we'd won together. The Cerberus Cup, the Pegasus cup, the Phil Cup, the Hercules Cup, the Hades Cup, the Pain and Panic Cup… each of the gleaming hunks of metal was shining with our sweat and our blood, our efforts together to make the other two the best fighters possible. My experience on the battlefield, Axel's way of fitting puzzle pieces together, and Xion's magical strength had molded us into one of the best teams on the brackets.

We'd earned it. And now we were in the big leagues. Three years of work all for this moment. For one more step that would get us to the Goddess Cup, a tournament that not even Hercules had been able to win.

The Titan Cup would be _ours_. And after that, we would be going after the gods.

A savage grin flitted across my face as I smirked over at my friends. Axel had a similar determined look on his face while Xion was much more concerned. She kept looking over at the trophies like we hadn't earned them but after a moment, she just nodded and sighed.

"We're going to have one heck of a party tonight when we get out of the prelims," She said honestly, making Axel and I laugh. Axel made a drinking gesture, tilting his head back with his thumb and pinkie sticking up out of a fist. Xion growled and pretended to chuck her Keyblade at him.

I chuckled and put my hand on her shoulder. "We did it, Xi," I told her honestly. The expression on her face immediately became serene as she leaned onto my hand. I tightened my grip on my foster-sister, reaching out with the other to fist-bump Axel's waiting knuckles. "We will win. There's no way in hell … _or_ in Hades… that we're going to lose!" I declared confidently.

"Hey, save some of that enthusiasm for that Games." Phil suddenly snarled, making the three of us jump and whip around to see the little satyr waddling towards us. Hercules, our trainer and friend, flashed us a blindingly white smile as he followed behind. He looked completely at ease, obviously knowing we were a shoe-in for the trophy.

The goat however, was more than willing to make up for his protégé's amiable nature.

He stabbed a finger into my chest, making me wince slightly as his sharp little nails pressed into my heart. "You got mail, Roxas, and don't you let your friends down," He said immediately. I let go of Xion and snapped my hand to my temple.

"Sir yes sir!"

He briefly got happy, thinking that I was being serious and giving him a bit of respect, before he noticed the big grin. "I'm bein' serious! These guys are bad news and if you don't getcha head in the game, you ain't going to win!" Phil snarled and brought his fist to my forehead, smacking me between the eyes. He lifted up two fingers. "I got two words for you schmucks! _**Concentrate**_!"

Axel, Xion, Hercules, and I had learned long ago not to mention that Phil didn't know how to count.

"Sir _yes_ sir!" Xion, Axel, and I shouted in unison, being perfectly serious this time around.

Phil smiled and punched me lightly on the arm before I got up, his own little way of encouraging his student's team. Even if we hadn't been trained personally by him, somehow we'd grown on the little goat man to the point that he wanted each of us to succeed. I had no hopes that we'd end up in the stars like Hercules had but at the very least, we'd be able to win the next few tournaments and get eternal glory.

Hercules smiled at me as he helped Xion up, holding her hand gently as he dragged her to her feet. "Roxas, I think it'd be a good idea for you to get that mail," I started to protest, but Herc just shook his head. "The matches don't start for another few hours and you have interviews first anyway. Go get your mail."

I shook my head, remembering the letters that had stopped coming, but I did as I was told and headed off toward my dorm.

Kairi had written to me nearly every day when I first left. Over the years, those letters dwindled to little more than a card on my birthday and a present on Christmas. Those gifts remained unopened under my bed. It hurt too much to even think about opening them, to be honest. Riku hadn't written me at all; he had never been much for writing letters. That was more Kairi's thing. But his phone calls had stopped. The answering machine stayed empty.

I only ever got a call every other day from my folks, sometimes even from Selphie and the others. We'd gotten surprisingly close after I left. But the two people I wanted to hear from the most had stopped answering.

I missed them. But it was better this way. This lifetime, I wouldn't be there to ruin everything. I wouldn't be there to mess up Riku's chances. My hands clenched at my sides as I marched toward the dorm. I wouldn't be there to be Riku's best man, Kairi's maid of honor. I wouldn't get to watch them walk down the aisle to be together.

My heart hurt.

I don't know what made it worse: that I wouldn't get to see it or that I wasn't going to be able to see it.

I stopped in front of my mail box and popped open the urn, yanking out the bundle of letters and packages from inside. Flipping through them, I spotted a little box with a Destiny Island postmark. Mom. I tossed the rest back into the urn and opened it up. I pulled out the letter first.

'_Dear Sora (I can't call you Roxas, it doesn't feel right, baby),_

_I was walking to the store when I noticed these cookies, I know they're your favorite. There's a few extra for Axel and Xion; when you win, go ahead and eat them.'_

I smiled, encouraged by her confidence in me. Thanks, Mom. I pressed the letter to my cheek, pretending for a moment that it was actually my physical mom there with me. It smelled sweet, like her paopu blossom perfume.

The thought of a paopu made my stomach twist and churn. Had Riku already shared one with her? Were they married? That had happened once, where Riku and Kairi had gotten into trouble and ended up married before Kai was eighteen. It had happened with me, too, to be honest.

'_Sora, I'm sorry, but I wasn't able to get tickets for the game this time around.'_

It's alright, Mom, they're all sold out. I'd have gotten you a ticket if you had told me.

I chuckled. Now I was thinking to the letter. Man, that was a sign that I was homesick. I wanted to go home so badly… it hurt… but I couldn't go home. Not til they were together. Permanently. I turned my focus back to my letter.

'_Even with Selphie helping, the tickets had already sold out on the website. I'm sorry, baby, we won't be able to get to see you in the preliminaries. We're working on getting tickets for the finals; do you think you'd be able to help?_

_Even if you can't, it's alright, we wouldn't miss this for the world. I have to go now, these cookies won't stay fresh forever. Be safe, Sora. Dad and I love you very much and we're very proud of you. Say hi to Xion and Axel for us._

_Love,_

_Mom_

_PS: Kisses~!'_

I groaned, laughing at that sudden little bit of hyperness. Just like Mom. I hugged the letter to my heart, feeling a little better at the thought that Mom and Dad were watching over me. Even if it was far away. They'd probably be watching the broadcast tonight. I'd have to be sure to look super cool.

"Excuse me, is this the Hera dorm?"

I whipped around, startled to see a girl standing in front of me. She flashed me a shy smile before rubbing hard at her blond hair. "I was told that the Hera dorm was here," She repeated quietly. As if on reflex, she scuffed her blue sandals hard against the tightly packed dirt floor. A nervous look flashed across her pale face. "I have a package for someone in Hera dorm." She clarified.

I glanced down to her hands, and sure enough, there was a little bundle. A white cloth covering something.

"This is Hera dorm, who's it for?" I asked curiously, leaning onto the doorway of my room. The girl's violet-blue eyes flickered down to the bundle for a moment, squinting before clearing. "Says it's for someone named Roxas. 'From your secret admirer.'" She clarifies after a moment. She held out the bundle to me, flashing me a shy smile. "I recognize you from the matches. You'll be in the Titan Cup today, right?"

"Prelims," I answered automatically, focusing more intensely on the bundle in her arms.

Something for me… That's weird… I walked forward, gently took the bundle, and removed the card from the cloth. A little white card with typed letters on it. Sure enough, it did say it was from my secret admirer but no name. Wonder who it was?

I unwrapped the cloth and was instantly hit with memories.

A pale lavender rose with a red ribbon wrapped around the stem.

I … I remembered…

In one of my past lifetimes, number seventeen to be exact, Kairi had gotten cancer. She had been dying of cancer.

I took a rose just like this one to her.

* * *

_Her eyes widened when she saw the flower in my hand, tearing up immediately as I very gently placed it into one of the vases scattered around her room. At fourteen, she'd never gotten a flower like this from someone. Much less from a boy._

_I was more than a little happy to be the first, but not under these circumstances._

_Kairi wiped her eyes hard with the edge of her bed sheet, blowing her nose secretly when she thought I wasn't looking. Gross. But I wasn't going to call her out on it. If she wanted to make a mess, then by damn I'd let her. Maybe even help her. All I did was just rearrange the vase to face her a little better._

_"It smells nice," I said quietly, mostly to fill up the emptiness of the room. There was nothing but the bleeping of the machines around Kairi, the hiss of air and stuff coming in and out of the tubes in her arms and stomach. I moved the rose again. "You know that there's no such thing as a real blue rose? The closest they have is purple. I thought you'd like the paler one better; it looks like your skirt."_

_Kairi broke into tears, sobbing hysterically like I had just punched her cat. I froze, staring at her in horror. What the hell had I done?! I was just trying to make her feel better! Geez, it's just a skirt, Kairi! You don't have to cry about it! Without thinking about it, I ran to her side and took up her hand._

_She swatted my hand angrily before pressing it to her cheek. The tears were warm against my skin as she cried._

_"Sora… you are the _**stupidest** _boy I've ever met!" Kairi snarled before jumping onto me, hugging me as tightly as she possibly could. I froze, pausing for a second before going limp against her. I had made her fall in love with me. Shit. I was supposed to make Riku fall in love with her that…_

_Her hands moved against my waist, making my breath hitch in my throat._

_Tears trickled down my cheeks as my arms automatically wrapped around her, held her close. "Oh, Kai…" I heard myself whisper. She looked up at me and I could see the pale petals of the rose in her eyes for once. They looked just like them. Lavender roses… Heh. If she could hear me…_

_"You stupid lazy bum… Why did you do something like that?" Kairi murmured back, mumbling the words into my chest as she clung to me._

_I could feel the tubes and the wires connecting her to the machines through my shirt. I could feel the smoothness of her skin through my gloves where my hands had slipped underneath her hospital gown. I kept crying. I could feel the brittleness of her hair rubbing against my cheek. It was dying, just like she was. But even sick, even dying, she was just so damn beautiful that it made my heart stop._

_I wanted nothing more than to stay right here by her side. My hands started moving up her back on their own, betraying my real emotions. Kairi kept looking up at me with what felt like a thousand tears falling down from her eyes. She was still beautiful._

_Oh, God, Kairi, you make it so hard for me to step back…_

_I pressed my lips to her temple, kissed her hard, and made her breath stop in her throat. She trembled in my hands. "I love you, Kairi, that's why," I said back, leaning down to her. I pressed my face against her hair, inhaled deeply._

_Maybe I was a creep, I had no idea. But she smelled good, like flowers and shampoo, even with the chemicals coursing through her veins. She smelled like Kairi. That made me cry harder._

_She didn't answer back in words._

* * *

I stumbled backward, the lavender rose clutched tightly in my hand. Thorns cut into my palm, jarring me out of my reverie.

"Are you okay?" The girl asked in confusion, taking a step toward me. Kairi's face flashed across hers, making me flinch from the sheer power of her memory. God, it hurt… I shook my head and took a seat on the mail urn.

It took me a minute to answer. "… Yeah… just… brought up... old memories…" I muttered softly. A warmth in my eyes made me touch my cheek. A tear. I held out the rose to the girl, watched her take a step back in confusion and then adjust her white dress nervously. "Want it?"

She shook her head no.

"If they gave it to you, if they gathered the courage to let you have it, should you ignore their feelings?" She answered instead.

Because the memories hurt.

I wanted to say that so badly. I wanted to spill everything to this girl even if I didn't know her. But I didn't. Just watched as she tucked a long, blond lock behind her ear.

"My name's Naminè."

"Roxas."

"I know." She smiled a little before threading her fingers together. Her violet-blue eyes glittered with faint amusement in the dying sunset behind her. "It's nice to meet you, Roxas."


	8. Planning

**Planning  
**

"Welcome to the first annual competition of the… TITAN CUP!"

I blinked up at Hades, the grim but somehow still overactive host of the tournament. First annual? How could be the first annual if this was the first year it'd been reopened? Glancing over at Axel and Xion and smirking at the mistake, we surveyed the other teams in unison. Mostly familiar faces caught my eye and more than once, when they noticed me looking at them, they would nod and smile before looking back at Hades. I spent too much time talking to Naminè outside of my dorm before coming here, I hadn't had the chance to check out the competition yet…

It was funny, but I felt completely at ease now, despite it being the hardest tournament we'd been to in our lives. I'd gotten this far before, in another lifetime, but now it felt special… Heh… maybe Naminè's encouraging words were boosting me up today… Slapping myself lightly, I turned back and looked over the teams again.

Squall "Leon" Leonhart, a guy we'd faced in some of the other tournaments, gave me an extra hard look before turning his attention back to the host. I felt a little better at seeing him. He was one of the harder opponents I'd faced in the lower ranking brackets, but also intimidating in his own right. Maybe it was the huge sword scar he had across his forehead and nose. But Squall was also a friend and so was his partner –

"_**Heeeeeeeeey**_, Roxas! It's been a while!"

I felt the hyperactive girl tackle my arm and then cuddle with me, giving a display of skinship that would have gotten her stares and maybe a police record back on the island.

"Yuffie, shuddap, I'm trying to hear," Axel snapped at her, but she just smirked and nuzzled into my shoulder.

The Great Ninja Yuffie. How could I forget her?

I flashed her a smile before putting my finger to my mouth. Yuffie pouted but turned her attention back on Hades, who was still explaining the rules.

"Alright, ladies and germs, here's how the Titan Cup works," He said before stabbing a finger in the air in more or less my direction. His yellow eyes narrowed angrily on me as his mouth curled up into a savage smirk. Oh. Right. He didn't like me. Hades threw his hands up to the air in a flashy bow. "You suckers are our opening acts! If you can get through the prelims, then you'll have no problem facing the mighty Titans!" He grinned again. "Maybe you'll even win!"

Right, and the reason why the tournament had been discontinued in the first place was _not_ specifically because too many people had died trying to fight the powerful gods. Some of the fighters around me cursed, though no one left. We just paid that much more attention.

Hades drummed his fingers on the bone-like microphone, obviously enjoying our stares. His eyes didn't leave me though, as my team was the favorite to win his stupid tournament. "It's my way or the hell-way, kiddos! You either fight according to my rules or else you get fed to Cerberus!" There was a dramatic pause where the entire stadium was suddenly filled with the savage snarl of a very, very, _very_ big animal.

Just Hades' little guard dog. That we'd faced before. I gulped nervously, remembering a lifetime where I'd fought him with Riku by my side. The damned thing nearly took my arm off; Riku had been hospitalized for two weeks after that bracket fight.

The sudden thought of my best friend slapped me across the face with a thousand memories, both good and bad. I had to stop and catch my breath for a moment as we listened to Hades ramble about timed matches and ones with quotas of how many monsters you had to kill before you were allowed into the next bracket.

Riku. My best friend… I hadn't talked to him in three years.

No! Not the time for this!

I snapped my attention back to Hades but he was already done, only now showboating that much harder about how awesome his tournament was and that he would be seeing all of us in hell. The Underdrome wasn't that scary of a place, even with all of the dead people hanging around, honestly. Even if the idea that I might find a dead version of myself didn't scare me.

Yuffie slugged me in the arm. "Hey, Roxas! Wanna make a bet?" She demanded cheerfully, putting her hands on her hips and giving me a greedy look. Oh, here we go… somehow, I still found myself smiling. "If I win the tournament, your team takes me and Leon out for dinner. Takoyaki sounds awesome!" Yuffie grinned.

Ah, Yuffie. Never change.

I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, pausing just long enough to make the hyper ninja scowl and start reaching for her shurikin. Best to make her wait, it was more interesting that way.

"I refuse." I deadpanned back at her, making her fall over and let out a loud screaming curse.

More than half of the fighters looked over at her, saw that it was Yuffie making the noise, and then went back to their own conversation. Yup, she was that infamous.

"No fair, no fair! We took you guys out when you beat us!" She started to complain but then something strange caught my eye.

Two figures, one in white and one in black, stood in a corner talking quietly to each other. My eyes narrowed at them, trying to see behind their raised hoods. I'd never seen two fighters with those kinds of long coats before. If it was a costume, it was a damn suspicious one. You couldn't see their faces, their hands were covered up with gloves, and even their legs were hidden under the long folds of the coat.

Just who were these jokers?

"Hey, Yuff, who's Cloak and Dagger over there?" I demanded. The ninja stared at me for a moment before peeking over my shoulder for about a minute before spotting the pair. She smirked and leaned back into me. "What will you give me if I tell you?" Yuffie demanded in a purposely cute pout.

I raised my eyebrow.

Yuffie shrugged. "Some rookies. They refused to fight in the lower tournaments so they entered their names into this cup," She said honestly enough. Jabbing a finger at them, she shook her head and made a traditional death's forgiveness motion at them. "No one vouched for them but Hades said a pair of deaths would be an interesting addition and let them in anyway… since Cloud, Leon, me, and you guys are so good, he said it would be a bigger bang for the patrons' buck."

_Rookies_? Entering the _Titan Cup_?

Son of a… that was a guaranteed way to die. I had to stop them.

Axel looked over at me and frowned at my expression. "Playing hero again?" He demanded as I slowly untangled myself from Yuffie. I nodded grimly. "Someone has to do it and looks like no one else is willing to." I spat back, pissed off at the idea of the two idiots entering just to die.

This tournament was infamous for killing people and they just entered it for no reason? C'mon! Even I started back in the Phil Cup, and I had been fighting for _decades_! You needed the battle experience, the training to make your body strong even to get through the prelims in this tournament!

"Be careful!" Xion called out to me as I started wading through the crowd to get to them.

As I waved over my shoulder, the two figures turned around and the littler one took off her hood. My jaw dropped just as she fluffed out her long blond hair. I knew her. She turned to talk to the bigger guy and started to move out of the gathering.

Son of a -! I couldn't let her do this!

"Naminè!" I yelled out to her, making her freeze in mid-step. She blinked a few times before spotting me. I charged through the rest of the people, shoving them aside as the figure in black took her arm and pushed her behind him.

But a shy smile still crossed her lips and her hand lifted up in a wave. "Hello, Roxas, it's nice seeing you again," Naminè said in her formal, calm way. "Did you enjoy the briefing?" No way, missy, you were not doing this!

"Cut the crap and leave, Naminè," I snarled immediately, finally making it to their side. The other guy chuckled softly under his hood. From the way he was standing in front of her, he was attempting to protect her. Good for him, he was still being stupid. I jabbed my finger into his chest, making him flinch but not move from his protective position. "You two are going to die if you enter this tournament." I told him bluntly.

He didn't react except to look over at Naminè.

She rubbed her blond hair in the same shy way that she'd done outside of our dorm and shrugged. "I promise you, we have no intentions of winning this tournament," She said calmly, like she was trying to soothe me. Look, that was not the point-! She raised a hand and touched a finger to my lips, suddenly shorting out my entire nervous system.

Th… the hell…?

"We don't want to win. We just want to see if we can beat someone."

Her calm words made me freeze. I stared at her, sure I'd heard wrong. She was joking. The reason that they had entered this tournament – one with literal forces of nature duking it out with mortals! – was so they could get revenge on someone?! Naminè smiled at me when my jaw dropped, hiding a giggle behind her hand as I looked at her friend. The guy just looked back at me, though I couldn't see his expression. After a moment, he nodded and then shrugged to say it wasn't that big of a deal.

"You guys are suicidal." I whispered in surprise before straightening up, looking the guy in the eye. Still couldn't see through the hood but I thought I could see his mouth twist into a frown. "Look, you guys have no idea what this tournament means, do you?" I asked next.

Naminè shook her head again, and the motion made my heart freeze in my chest again. What the hell?! I'd hadn't had this kind of reaction since I left Destiny… Islands… She looked like Kairi. This was… why I was trying to protect her. Looking over at the guy, I noticed that I only came up to about his shoulder. Riku. I was never taller than Riku til I turned nineteen and got a massive growth spurt.

These two… looked like my friends…

"We have no plans to go through the preliminaries," Naminè said bluntly. She turned around and pointed to the massive scoreboard on the wall. Automatically, I found my team's name on it first and then scrolled along the bottom to find her and 'DiZ's' names together in one of the brackets.

Phew. They had Heartless first.

"We just need to win enough matches to get to him and then we'll forfeit the next match and lose," Naminè clarified calmly. She shrugged, letting me look closer at the board. Lessee… They had Heartless first, then a match with Dusks, then… us. If they won their first two matches, they'd be facing my team. And after that….

Leon and Yuffie.

They must be going after Leon!

I turned around and glared at them, pissed off at being used as a stepping stone to get to Leon. "Like hell you'll beat us," I snarled in challenge, jabbing my finger at the guy's chest again. He flinched again, though this time it looked more like it was from surprise than me poking him. He looked over at Naminè, his shoulders shaking suddenly. She pressed her hand to her mouth, hiding her expression.

I scowled viciously, feeling an itch for my Keyblade in my hands. Secured firmly on my back by leather ties that pulled apart when I yanked on them, it would be so easy to knock these kids out and make sure they didn't go through their stupid plan…

The guy looked over at me again before holding out a fist, giving me a thumbs up. Huh? What the? After making sure that I had seen it, he tilts his hand upside down, giving me a thumbs down. I bristled, getting the silent taunt.

That little-! Who does he think I am?! I've been fighting for decades, if not centuries!

"You won't win!" I declared, screaming at the top of my lungs as the guy put his other hand on his hip and started laughing silently. That son of a-! I lunged at him, only being stopped by a pair of arms that had suddenly shot past my ribs and wrapped through my armpits. A full Nelson.

AXEL!

Axel looked over at the pair before looking back down at me, an amused smirk appearing on his face. "Sorry about that," He told the bigger guy, giving him his usual cool smile for strangers. The guy shrugged and turned around, looking back down at Naminè. He picked me up and walked off with me, cursing and screaming at him.

"It's been a while since I've seen you act like that," He commented as he walked, putting his chin on my head. "You know, like an actual kid rather than someone who's lived several lifetimes and grew up more than once."

"They're rookies, they'll _die_ if they enter this tournament," I snapped back, struggling to get out of the hold. But he had done this to me before and I knew I couldn't get out. Dammit. Axel was just too good at holding people down.

Axel glanced down at me, a frown appearing on his lips. "Rox, it's not any of your business." He said logically. I shook my head, growling viciously as we made it to Leon, Yuffie, and Xion. The girls were happily chatting away about Yuffie's shurikin and how she had come up with some special new moves to use on us. "Well, it's not, Roxas, don't worry about them." Axel said again as he plopped me down in front of Leon.

Leon arched an eyebrow. "Worry about who?" He asked softly, though his normal dull voice was tinged with a bit of curiosity. Axel shrugged at him and ruffled my hair playfully. OW! "Some rookies entered the games; Roxas here tried to stop them and ended up getting into a screaming match with the guy." He explained with a smirk.

Yuffie and Xion giggled while Leon gave me an amused smile. "That's not like you," the three said in unison, teasing me.

I sighed, shaking my head. "They said they're after you, Leon, they want to fight you guys for some reason…" I explained, making Leon and Yuffie blink in surprise. They turned to look at each other before pausing to think about who they could have pissed off to that degree. After a moment, they shook their heads and shrugged. "Exactly. I don't know why they want to fight you either." I sighed.

"Cause we're totally super awesome!" Yuffie declared immediately, striking a triumphant pose where she held up her shurikin and nearly took someone's eye out from behind her.

"They have to fight _us_ to get to you," I said softly.

Both Leon and Yuffie froze, staring at us for a moment before Yuffie started cracking up. She fell to the ground, laughing hysterically at the idea of two rookies beating the great Organization XIII. Axel grinned and Xion shook her head at that, obviously telling me the rookies didn't have a chance against us.

I wasn't so sure… I had a strange feeling that those two were up to something… I just had to hope that I was wrong.

Leon… Yuffie…

* * *

DiZ rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he looked over the tournament brackets. "Are you sure this is a good idea, Naminè?" He asked softly, his voice barely able to reach me even though I was right next to him. I nodded. He sighed and clapped a hand onto my shoulder, his expression hidden underneath his bandages and hood. "You know what you have to do then."

"I know," I said curtly, looking over the name of our target with more than a little bit of sadness. It wasn't fair to him, to take away his dreams like this. But it was something we had to do…

Roxas… I'm sorry…

* * *

**And it was at this point my brain overfried from the drama and screamed: "THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!" **

**Go Roxas! *waves a banner***

**Disclaimers: Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, and that Monty Python reference do not in any way shape or form belong to me.**


End file.
